I’ve had a lot on my mind lately. It probably has a lot to do with being in a new city with only a few friends. For the most part, I’m okay with it. My mother will tell you that I think too damn much, which (heavy sigh) is most definitely true. I’m not uncomfortable inside my head. I am, however, completely uncomfortable with the little insecurities that like to blindside me whilst inside said head. Aileen wrote a blog entry a while ago where she mentioned being a bit overwhelmed with insecurity and self-esteem issues as she got settled into her new life as an au pair in Madrid. She wrote something that really spoke to the tender place of insecurity and doubt in my heart:
“sometimes it is hard for me to appreciate all the wonderful things I’ve been given and blessed with and instead I focus on all the things that I feel like I need or want or want to be. for so long I pictured my year here and all the things I wanted to do, and now that I’m here sometimes all I can think about is the past or the future – anything but here and now.”
I’ve not been allowed to endure more than I can handle. I’m reminded of the power I have to refocus myself to true and good things. I’m learning that the truth is that the past is gone and tomorrow will take care of itself. I can choose to carry the weight, or I can choose to set it aside. I’m considering the lilies of the field and I’m appreciating all the people who love me and who are rooting for me on this strange journey. I’m looking to replace a little doubt with a whole lot of wonder. I’m also looking to pass out because it’s 1:30 o’clock in the morning.
Do me a solid and tell someone that they’re beautiful/loved/lovely/just plain wonderful.
(extra credit if that someone’s yourself.)